I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
