i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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