The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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