My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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