You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
