So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
