I wish my penis had an off switch
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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