I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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