My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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