I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
