this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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