Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
