so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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