ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
