I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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