Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
