I need help removing her.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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