Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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