Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
