I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
