1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
