Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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