I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
