I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
