1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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