turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
