My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
