My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
