Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
