He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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