dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
