I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
