and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Randomize
