i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
