I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
