you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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