Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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