I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
