Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm bleeding and have questions
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
