My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
