2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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