The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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