he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
