I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
