i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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