nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
