Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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