They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
