Cold hands, warm shart.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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