I can tuck mytits in my pants
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
