i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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